‘I am wondering if this has reduced my chances of survival. The consultant said it does not present like a normal breast lump and I did well to flag it up, but I am still annoyed with myself. 

I went along to the hospital alone yesterday thinking it would be nothing – stupid! 

They took 3 biopsies, did 2 mammograms and an ultrasound scan. I was there alone for 6 hours. They have referred me for an MRI and a CT scan to see if it has spread. This is also a concern for me. What is worrying to me is the size of it, especially when you consult Google! 

I realise I can deal with a breast cancer diagnosis but it will be much harder if it’s spread anywhere and there is little treatment they can do and it has a poor prognosis.  The team at the hospital seemed concerned but were good with me. 

I am feeling shocked and although I fell asleep quickly, I only had 3 hours I think. 

I am realising that life as I know it is about to change hugely, very quickly. 

I am wondering how I am going to manage to do all the stuff I usually do. 

I am wondering whether to tell the kids yet and if I should tell them face to face? 

I am not looking forward to telling my parents. 

The issue with all this is that I am not good at lying. 

I am scared. It has occurred to me that nothing has changed since yesterday other than my knowledge of something, but I am still frightened. I am not ready to die yet.  It seems unfair but life is unfair sometimes isn’t it? 

I thought it might be a good idea to keep a diary. 

Ali (my partner) seems a bit shell shocked, I am worried about him. He has been so lovely. 

I am also worried about who will look after the kids should anything happen to me? They still both need me. I will definitely be putting as much in place as possible should this cancer be untreatable. 

What happens after death?’