Day 16: Research and disgusting hair

So YESTERDAY was not so good (some of it) 

It started with feeling exhausted. No gym, walked Bear, rang Lisa about this ‘way of eating’. Got my head around it, went food shopping to buy this stuff. Saw Deborah in Waitrose who bought me tulips! How kind was that!! Cheered me up. 

Home, lunch, went to hospital appt for reconstruction advice. Came out feeling crap….

A lot of information and my brain felt like it was going to explode! The woman giving it was very direct which I normally like but yesterday I didn’t take it so well.  She also said if I didn’t have reconstruction I might scream when I see myself in the mirror!! (A lesson on communication is needed by her I think). It felt like yesterday everything had been taken from me…. my new business (coaching) was going to shit after all the hard work I have put in, I can’t even eat what I want and soon I won’t be able to use a gym or even walk my dog!!! 

I started to think what’s the point of being here…. everything I love I can’t do. The body I have worked so hard to strengthen is about to go to shit as well! All the things I love to do are being taken away. I was close to tears. 

Went for a dog walk and bumped into a patient and his wife…lovely couple. He has bowel cancer and is facing surgery, a colostomy bag, chemo etc. 

It was good to talk to someone else in the position I am in. I came home and made a lentil Dahl… 

Had dinner then watched TV, no strength to wash my hair. 

Slept OK, got up made 100% Arabic coffee with ‘Oat milk’ and no sweetener. Not as bad as I thought. I am sure I will get used to it. Now having a green tea (no milk). Ordered my book ‘Eat to beat disease’ …that’s why all the changes in my diet. 

Listened to a meditation on how to let go of control….. it was great. It pointed out that the things we want (in my case at the moment….. chocolate, cake, my normal diet and alcohol to numb my feelings!) are just thoughts…. just because I think I want something that doesn’t make it true.

This has helped me. If I can realise that these things I want are just thoughts and nothing more, then not having them will be much easier. 

I have to wash my hair, walk and then a healer is coming…. that should be interesting!!! 

No gym as I can’t fit it in, now wishing I had gone yesterday !! 

Going up to the coast with Niamh today and the dog for the weekend….. something to be grateful for amongst the shit show ha ha!

My whole life has been turned upside down in the space of two weeks. A life I have worked tirelessly to create for the last 2 – 3 years. It seems so bloody unfair. This Positive Psychology is a help but even with that it’s still very hard. 

Another thing that bothered me yesterday was the fact they won’t do my op until they have my bone scan.,… that means potentially I will have to wait 5 weeks!!!!! I just want the tumour to F…k off out of me ASAP!!!  Will ring Lauren my breast nurse today…. with questions!!! 

Bye for now,I have to wash my hair which is frankly disgusting after 9 days of not washing it!!!! That’s an all time record and not one I am proud of!! X