Day 2: The ripples spread

I slept well. Something to be grateful for. Yesterday started badly. I got up and tried hard. I went to the gym, walked the dog. Met my friend Max for the walk and told her.

I cancelled my business meeting and my client. I have decided to only do the things I am up to and the things I have to or want to. I cleaned the holiday let. Rang my friend Maria twice and used her as a sounding board. I felt scared all morning and couldn’t’ shake this feeling of doom! I kept thinking who will look after my kids when I am gone????

I spoke to the hospital 6 times!! They rang with appointments for MRI/CT scans, consultant appointments. They were all marvellous. We really are so lucky to have the NHS. Grateful for that.  I spoke to the cancer nurse and told her of my fears…. She said that as they can’t see it’s in my lymph at the moment,  that is positive. I felt a bit better after that. I am holding onto hope.

I spoke to my friend Jill who is a sister nurse. Amazingly I found out she works on the breast clinic on a Thursday. She will be on that clinic when I get my results next week. Grateful for that!  I have some wonderful friends. By last night I was feeling more positive. Ali (my partner) came in from work and cried. I felt bad for him and hugged him hard. Also gave him a glass of wine!

I managed to watch a film and concentrate on it. Grateful for that! I went to bed, lit my candle, applied my hand sleep cream, read a book on positivity and said my prayers. Also hugged my dog Bear! LOL

This morning I have cried a lot. I am trying to recall lots of lovely memories of the kids when they were small. Things like pushing them on the swings after tea at night in the garden and growing vegetables with them when they were small. I laughed when I remember them arguing a lot!

I found a lot of meditations on Insight Timer about cancer and one called ‘Waiting for results.’ Grateful for that! I have now stopped crying and feel a bit calmer.  I am realising that your emotions swing rapidly and fast. One minute I am singing to a song on the radio and the next I am crying.

No point in feeling this is unfair or why me or if only had done this or hadn’t done that.  The past is over and I have to live in the present and try not to worry about the future.  All I have is now and I won’t waste a day on negativity if I can help it. I am going to try and enjoy the bits I can in between the bits I can’t.

I am going to my parents for dinner today… it’s Good Friday. I have made excuses all week like I have a cold so I wouldn’t have to see them.  I’m not going to tell them yet. It will be hard.

I have decided that should my prognosis be poor, I am going to write something to be read out at my funeral. It seems so rubbish that you can’t attend your own funeral (alive!) You miss out on one of those great times when all your friends and family are together in one room.

My 50th birthday last year was wonderful. I had a lot of my friends and family all together. Grateful for that.

I will also write a ‘manual for life’ for each of my kids. I realised last night (when I was eating dinner with my son) and we were talking about marriage and kids that I may not be here to give him my thoughts on things in the future. I told him last night that he is very good at saying sorry! I am going to try and tell both the kids of all their great qualities. I told him I loved him. Ali told me he loved me and I told him. This seems to be a theme at the minute everyone saying I LOVE YOU!

I have also put out a post yesterday (on my Facebook group I run on positivity) saying I am taking 2 weeks off for Easter. I will see after that…….

I am managing to think clearly and do things I need to… grateful for that!

Weird thing happened on the day of my biopsies….. my Uncle sent me an email on what to eat if you have cancer! Bearing in mind he doesn’t know…. Spooky! I believe in the universe delivering things at the right time. I must read the book ‘The Secret’.

There is so much left I still want to do. I hope I have ‘time’. Not much else seems to matter now.  I was thinking this morning back to when my daughter told me she was gay. I  was totally OK with it but selfishly thought I won’t get to see her walk down the aisle in a white dress!! How absurd this thought was! Just to get to see her walking down the aisle or not is what’s important!

Gosh this is going to be a long book if it’s ever published!

Must go now… it’s 0620 am and things to do today. Grateful I am still here to do them. Bye for now x