Day 3: Think, Meditate, Reflect and Plan
08/04/2023 6:08 am
Slept OK again…. Grateful for that. My mind is working overtime. I have found a lot of content on Insight Timer, for cancer. I am going to try and practice meditation a lot. I believe in a positive mindset being important but I am still terrified.
Today I am going to Leeds to see Niamh (my daughter) for the weekend. I am still in two minds as to whether to tell her anything about the cancer as I don’t have all the facts yet.
Ali seems quite calm at the moment. Five more days until I know more. This week is dragging by. You want to freeze time and yet you want Thursday to hurry up. The not knowing is hard. I am looking forward to Jill getting back from her holiday. I want to go and see her and talk to her.
The thing that’s most terrifying is the thought that nothing can be done to help me get better. I am just not ready to die. Are you ever??
I was so looking forward to this stage of my life. It’s a great stage when your kids are almost independent and you have time for yourself. Having my kids at age 26 and 30 I never did a lot of living before. Not that I regret it as I have soooo loved being a mum. It’s just I am ready to have some things for myself now and I was only just starting to get them.
I haven’t had my cottage by the sea yet. If it’s bad news I will write a bucket list. I will definitely want to go to the Northumberland Coast for a week. A sea view would be fab and if the kids could come too that would be great.
I have thought that I might need to re-do my will. I want both the kids to buy themselves a house with the money and set themselves up. Knowing I have something to leave them is of great comfort. If I can’t be here then I want to know they will at least not have financial worries.
It feels like I shouldn’t think like this but it’s hard not to and in a way I only have control of what I can do. I can’t change the cancer but I can control what I think and do. That gives me strength and power.
Signing off for now. Lots to do xI
