Day 5: Roll with it

Slept OK. Felt very tired all day yesterday. Didn’t go for a run. Had a really lovely day out with Niamh and Abby at an old salt mill. Lots of lovely shops and cafes. 

 

Great distraction. Exhausted after and had a nap. Ali arrived with Bear. Had a lovely meal at a Turkish restaurant. 

 

Feeling very needy and reliant on Ali (my partner) just to be there for comfort. Loved having him in bed with me last night. Don’t know how I am going to tell the kids. Will wait until after Niamh’s birthday to tell them but might tell Ewan before he goes back to uni????

 

Timing is bad between holidays and birthdays. I don’t want to spoil things for everyone. 

 

Found a great meditation about waiting for scan results on Insight Timer. Good advice on it from someone that has been there. 

 

 

I am proud that I have held it together while I have been in Leeds. It has been a good distraction for me. 

 

I look forward to writing this journal every day, it’s a help. Feeling a bit numb but not tearful any more. I am not good at dealing with curve balls and like to know everything in black and white. This is hard as it’s clear to me that diagnosis/prognosis is not linear. 

 

I am going to need to learn to take things as they come. That just because one day they say ‘this’ it’s not set in stone and can change at any point during treatment as they learn more. I need to not take everything they say as ‘gospel’ so to speak. 

 

I am trying to prepare myself for the worst and yet hope for the best. I might tell my sister later on as I think she will need to be ahead of the curve ball I am going to throw at my parents. 

 

She will need to support them as I don’t feel I can do that AND support Ali and the kids. I still want my parents to go on their holiday to Spain in May and I think they will cancel it when they know about the C which is not good. 

 

I am going to do some walking of the dog today while Ali fits the carpets. Looking forward to my own bed tonight! Signing off now xx

 

PS: Been for a run and a quick dog walk… go me! Had a banana and a crumpet. Ali fitting carpets while the other two get showered. Waiting and then going on another walk along the canal, hopefully that nice coffee shop will be open and I can get a coffee and a cake yay!