Day 13: Unplugged

Woke up at 4am!!!  FFS!! Did 2 meditations couldn’t get back to sleep, will nap later.

Mum and Dad have agreed to go to Spain. I have asked them to do some cooking for me to freeze for when I have my mastectomy. This was more to make them feel useful than anything.

I didn’t gym it yesterday, I felt bone tired all day. Managed to do a shop, walk the dog twice and clean the holiday let. Made dinner. Not too bad.

Today I speak to the consultant at 1.45pm. Results of my CT scan and a treatment plan. Nervous for this.

Ordered 2 books from Amazon yesterday on cancer. That will help as I love learning. 1 is about natural ways to cure cancer which I can use alongside other treatments. The other is about the things your doctor doesn’t tell you when you have breast cancer….should be interesting!

I feel like someone has very much pulled the plug out of me. I have gone from being full of beans and going to the gym every day, doing multiple jobs and keeping 100 balls in the air to feeling exhausted and depleted overnight.

I am starting to realise that I am not a superhero and I have limitations like everyone else….this is somewhat of a disappointment to me! Having told myself for the last 2 years that I am a legend, I realise I am in fact just a normal human!! That sucks!!

I have not had any sex for a few days…I just don’t feel like it, however I have turned into a needy child with Ali…most unlike me. I want him with me all the time. It must be very draining for him.

Spoke to my sister yesterday and she is going to market the piece of land we have to sell on this property. If we sell it I can pay the mortgage off and hopefully buy a small place up the coast.

That is my dream and I want it. It will also be a good project for me and I love a project. It will focus my mind on something positive.  I would love to think when all this treatment is over that I have a little bolthole near the coast. It would be so lovely to decorate it and make it cosy.  I can then holiday let it some of the time and stay in it too sometimes. I have been wondering about going away to the coast this weekend on my own with the dog. I am of 2 minds. On the one hand it would be nice to relax and have some peace near the sea and on the other it’s hard being alone at the moment. I will see what my results are today and then decide.

Don’t think I will go to the gym today. I am meeting Jill for a walk at 8am. Then I have a whole morning with no commitments! This literally never happens! I might bake a cake and watch a movie ……that’s luxurious!! Self care is very important. Keeping up the 6 pillars of wellbeing is essential: Sleep, Rest, Exercise, Nutrition, Clear Thinking and Connection. I am doing OK with these and that is good! I also have a goal now….my cottage by the sea. Also good! When I think about it I am actually quite pleased with myself. LOL!! Might go and see Maria today, she has her shoulder op tomorrow. I have a little gift for her.

Speak soon xx